The Stages Of Divorce
Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. It normally occurs as the end result of a natural progression that takes years to unfold.
Of course, both partners don’t go through the same stages at the same time. Also bear in mind that some people will experience these stages in different ways.
The following are the emotional stages of divorce.
Disillusion.
This stage starts when one or both partners get a sense that something is wrong with the marriage and begin to feel discontentment or resentment toward the other. The spouse with whom one is to live happily ever after with turns out to have flaws that makes him or her far less than the ideal mate that one had hoped for at the beginning of the marriage. This can take the form of vague feelings or thoughts that intrude on ones consciousness. Dwelling on these thoughts sets the seeds for the eventual unraveling of the marriage.
Erosion.
The feelings developed during the disillusionment stage of divorce get expressed at this point. One partner chips away at or tears the other apart. There is no longer the desire to give love or affection or to fill each others needs. At this point the marriage is like a zero sum game. Both partners stop thinking about having to give in order to receive and instead grow resentful about not getting anything out of the marriage.
Decision to divorce.
All of the negative feelings and conflicts from the previous two stages of divorce finally reach the tipping point in your mind. Life without your partner looks better than living with him or her. A great deal of emotional distance has been created at this point. Because of all of the time spent on considering separation, it is very difficult to reverse this stage.
Going through with the decision.
Finally enough courage has been built up to act on the decision to divorce. While the process of taking action can bring about relief, the other partner on the receiving end of the announcement is left in shock. There are feelings of fear, guilt, blame, and loneliness. At this point there is physical separation and the planning of the divorce process begins.
Mourning and gradual acceptance.
During this stage of divorce one goes through emotional adjustments of leaving a marriage and moving on to a new life. Along the way are feelings of loneliness, anger, and helplessness. Eventually one comes to accept that the marriage wasn’t fulfilling and one begins to regain a sense of control over the future. One’s mood improves at this point with the realization that a new life is possible. Since mourning releases pent up anger, it can’t be skipped over.
New life.
With the pursuit of new goals, new talent and resources are discovered and out of this comes a new identity. One has moved on to new relationships while continuing relationships with the children from the old marriage. At this point one should have moved away from anger and blame to forgiveness.
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